I Did Not Think I Could Be A Good Leader. Here Is What Changed.

For a long time, I did not think of myself as a leader. And even when leadership found me, through work, through teams, through being handed responsibility, a quiet voice inside kept asking: are you sure you should be here? Early life shaped me to carry things inwardly. Experiencing loss has a way of doing that, it can make you quieter, more cautious, more tuned into the fragility of others. I grew up knowing what it felt like to need kindness. So, when I stepped into leadership, kindness was instinctively what I led with.

The Voice That Said I Was Not Enough

Self-doubt followed me into every room I led in. Even when I delivered results and I always broke my back to deliver, there was a persistent feeling that I was somehow falling short. That others saw something I could not. I minimised myself often. I stayed small so others could feel big. I second-guessed my instincts even when they were right. And because I genuinely cared about the people I worked with, because I never wanted anyone to feel looked down upon, I sometimes confused caring with shrinking.

The two had become tangled. And untangling them has been some of the most important work of my leading journey.

What the Elements Helped Me See

On the Women Emerging expedition, I encountered the concept of Elements, the parts of our essence that show up in how we lead, carrying both light and shadow. Mapping mine was uncomfortable. And clarifying.

I identified elements I needed to jettison minimising myself, and the belief that I am not enough. These are not humble truths. They are old stories that no longer serve the leader I am becoming.

But the more interesting discovery was not what to throw away, it was what to reframe. My self-doubt, I realised, is also the root of my humility. A leader who questions herself is a leader who listens deeply, adjusts when needed, and never assumes she has all the answers. That is not weakness. That is one of the most powerful things you can offer a team.

Caring is Not the Problem

I used to worry that my instinct to protect others, to make my space one where people feel valued, was a sign that I was too soft to lead well. Narratives about leading can make you feel that way. But I no longer believe that. Caring about the people you lead is not incompatible with leading them well. In fact, it may be what makes the difference between a team that merely performs and one that truly thrives.

What I am learning to combine is being visible alongside being humble. Stepping into the room, being seen, taking up space, while still listening, still staying curious, still making it clear that it is not about my ego. Both are needed. Neither cancels the other out.

Still Emerging and That is Enough

I am still finding myself as a leader. I am still learning what my purpose looks like in practice. There are days when the old doubts resurface. But I am no longer willing to let self-doubt write the story of how I lead. I know what I stand for: I lead because I want to make life better, for myself and for the people around me. That purpose is clear, even when the path is not.

If you are a woman who has ever questioned whether you belong in the room, whether your way of leading is valid, whether the gentle parts of you are liabilities, I want you to pause on that. Those parts may be exactly where your leadership has its deepest roots.

We are not too much. We are not too little. We are still emerging. And that is not a weakness, it is the work.

About The Author:

Thandeka Grace Soko is a Zambian programme, policy and partnerships leader with over 15 years of experience strengthening public and multi-stakeholder systems across high-performance sport, gender equality, and institutional development. She has held senior leadership and advisory roles within government and has represented Zambia on regional and global platforms, including the African Union and UNESCO sport bodies, contributing to policy development, systems reform, and international standards. 

Thandeka has led national and regional initiatives that transformed underperforming sport systems into high-performing, results-driven programmes, mobilising significant partnerships and resources in the process. Her work integrates gender-responsive approaches, women’s leadership, and sustainability into policy, governance, and programme delivery. 

She is the Founder and Managing Director of Busisiwe Innovations, a consultancy providing strategic advisory, training, and institutional strengthening services. Thandeka is passionate about women’s leadership in sport, ethical governance, and building resilient systems that deliver meaningful and lasting impact.