As her Women Leading in Higher Education expedition comes to a close, Ashley looks back on what her conversations with her Guides taught her. This is Part 1 of her closing reflection. Part 2 is coming soon.
Before speaking with my Guides, I think I had a much more straightforward idea of what leading looked like. I thought leading well meant being confident, knowing what to do, supporting everyone around you, and being the person others could depend on.
After hearing the experiences of the women I spoke with, I realized leading is a lot more complicated than that.
Different Paths, Similar Struggles
I was lucky to speak with women who come from very different careers, backgrounds, and stages of life. They have different goals, responsibilities, dreams, and journeys. Yet the more I listened to them, the more similarities I noticed.
Many talked about what it was like being a woman in male-dominated spaces. They described feeling underestimated, wondering whether they were doing too much or too little, and worrying about rubbing people the wrong way. Some had years of experience and were still dealing with anxiety or questioning themselves in unfamiliar situations.
That really stuck with me.
I think we sometimes imagine that eventually you reach a certain point where you become completely confident. You gain enough experience, accomplish enough, and suddenly the doubts disappear.
My Guides showed me that this is not necessarily true.
Confidence does not always mean the absence of fear. Sometimes confidence is being scared and still deciding to show up.
You Cannot Become Experienced Without being inexperienced First
Another thing that completely changed my perspective was how I think about experience.
It is so easy to convince yourself that you are not ready for something because you have never done it before. You tell yourself that someone else probably knows more, has more experience, or deserves the opportunity more.
But how are you supposed to become experienced if you never allow yourself to be inexperienced?
The women I spoke with stepped into situations where they felt nervous, uncertain, uncomfortable, or completely outside of their comfort zones. Those same experiences eventually became part of the reason they are as knowledgeable and confident as they are today.
That is something I want to carry into my own career and life.
There will probably be opportunities where I feel like I do not know enough yet. Instead of automatically interpreting that fear as a reason to say no, I want to start asking myself whether it might actually be a sign that I am growing.
You cannot build a completely different future while only choosing what already feels familiar.
When Being Selfless Turns Into Losing Yourself
One of the biggest lessons I took from my Guides was that you cannot build the way you lead around making everyone happy.
People-pleasing came up in different ways throughout my conversations, and it made me think about how easily you can start watering yourself down when you are constantly adjusting yourself for everyone else.
You can become so focused on keeping everyone supported and moving together that somewhere along the way, you forget that your voice matters too.
And this lesson became a lot more personal for me.
As a more introverted person, things that might seem insignificant to someone else can feel much bigger to me. Even something as simple as asking a question can make me overthink whether I am bothering someone or becoming a burden.
Growing up, I think I became so used to making myself smaller that even when I reached major milestones in my life, I would downplay them and act like they were nothing.
Even coming to university sometimes made me question whether I deserved to be here. It almost felt like I was taking up space that belonged to somebody else, even though I had worked for that opportunity too.
I have also realized that I am not always as assertive as I wish I were. I can be extremely selfless, sometimes to the point where I put other people’s wants, feelings, and opportunities ahead of my own.
For a long time, I thought that was simply part of being a caring person.
Now I am realizing there is a difference between being selfless and erasing yourself.
“Have You Ever been selfish?”
I remember having a conversation with someone who asked me whether I had ever been greedy or selfish when it came to my career, education, or really anything important in my life.
I honestly did not know how to answer.
I told them that I have always been willing to give up my spot for someone else in a heartbeat. They looked at me like I had two heads because they genuinely could not understand why I would do that.
They asked me again to think of a time when I had chosen myself.
The only things I could remember were silly arguments with my siblings, the normal kind of selfishness that comes with being siblings. They thought maybe I was avoiding the question because I wanted to make myself sound like an angel.
But I genuinely could not think of anything.
Eventually, they told me something that I think I really needed to hear: I needed to start putting myself first sometimes.
I might believe that constantly sacrificing something for another person is doing them a favour, but at some point, I am also hurting myself by never choosing what I want.
That conversation put so many things into perspective for me.
I realized that I had spent a lot of time treating my dreams and aspirations as if they were disposable. Something could mean so much to me, something I had dreamed about or worked toward for years, and the moment it was actually within reach, I could convince myself to let it go because somebody else wanted it too or because I was worried that having it might make someone else unhappy.
And I had to ask myself: How can I say I have big dreams if I am always willing to give them away once they become real?
My Dreams are Allowed To matter Too
That question was uncomfortable, but I needed it.
My dreams are just as important as the dreams of the people around me.
Someone else wanting an opportunity does not automatically make me less deserving of it. I should not have to give up something I have worked toward or wanted for years simply to prevent somebody else from feeling disappointed.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with generosity. There will probably still be times when I willingly give something up for someone I care about, and I do not want to lose that part of myself.
But I am learning to recognize the difference between choosing to be generous and feeling obligated to sacrifice myself.
Pouring everything I have into other people while continuously emptying myself is not going to make me fulfilled.
I can deeply love and care for the people around me while still choosing myself sometimes.
Their happiness does not have to come at the expense of my future.
Part 2 of Ashley’s reflection is coming soon. Keep an eye on the WE Hub!
About This Author:
Ashley Marroquin is a first-year nursing student at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario. She is passionate about leadership, advocacy, and supporting others, with a particular interest in working with children in the future. Growing up as the eldest in her family has shaped how she approaches leadership, helping her develop a strong sense of responsibility, resilience, and care for others. She is excited to continue growing, connecting with others, and exploring her own approach to leadership through the Students Leading in Higher Education Expedition.
