215. How Grandmotherness Changes the Way We Let Go While Leading

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In the final episode of the series on Grandmotherness, Julia speaks with Melissa about how this stage of life reshapes the way we let go, think long-term, and lead beyond our own agenda.

Melissa begins by drawing a distinction between motherness and grandmotherness. While both are rooted in care, investment, and hope, grandmotherness introduces a different quality — love with less attachment to outcomes. It is about offering support, guidance, and encouragement, while trusting that things will unfold as they will.

The conversation explores how this shift changes the experience of leading. Moving from structured roles to community-based work, Melissa reflects on how grandmotherness allows for a more emergent, less controlled way of leading — one that is not driven by fixed plans or measurable outcomes, but by openness and trust in the process.

A central theme in the episode is letting go. From succession to influence, Melissa speaks about the challenge of stepping back — becoming less central, less visible, and allowing others to take ownership. True continuity, she suggests, comes when leadership does not depend on one person, but carries on seamlessly.

They also reflect on the importance of thinking beyond immediate results. Grandmotherness invites a longer horizon — planting seeds for futures we may never see, and making decisions that are not centred on personal recognition or short-term success.

The conversation touches on the risks of leading without this mindset — from creating overly compliant environments to becoming disconnected from reality. In contrast, grandmotherness encourages a way of leading that is grounded, observant, and quietly influential.

Storytelling also emerges as an important thread. Grandmotherness is not about romanticising the past, but about holding and sharing stories honestly — including difficulty, struggle, and identity — so that others can understand where they come from and where they might go.

This episode is a reminder that leading is not always about doing more or holding on tighter. Sometimes, it is about stepping back, letting go, and trusting that what you have helped build will continue beyond you.

About the Guest:

Melissa Aratani Kwee

Melissa Aratani Kwee is a Singapore-based community builder, social entrepreneur, and Director at Pontiac Land Group. She is the co-founder of Beautiful People, a volunteer-driven initiative that creates mentoring relationships for teenage girls, fostering confidence, skills, and lifelong connections.

Trained as a social anthropologist at Harvard University, Melissa has spent her career shaping spaces, conversations, and communities that bring people together across sectors and cultures. She previously served as CEO of NVPC (Towards a City of Good) and has held leadership roles with organisations including the International Women’s Forum Singapore and UNIFEM Singapore.

Recognised with honours such as the Singapore Youth Award and listed among Forbes Heroes of Philanthropy, Melissa is known for her work in social impact, cross-cultural collaboration, and building inclusive, purpose-driven communities.

About the Host

Julia Middleton

Julia Middleton is the host of the Women Emerging podcast and a best-selling author of “If that’s leading, I’m in” as well as two previous books: “Leading beyond Authority” and “Cultural Intelligence”. She is deeply committed to helping people from all backgrounds to find their own approach to leading. In 2020, Julia launched Women Emerging and in 2022 she lead an expedition of 24 women to find ‘an approach to leading that resonates with women’. She now leads expeditions with women all over the world based on 4Es methodology, discovered in the first expedition.

Prior to that, Julia was founder and, for over thirty years, Chief Executive of Common Purpose, which grew to become one of the biggest leadership development organisations in the world.
Julia is also an Ambassador for the Aurora Prize based in Armenia, on the boards of Alfanar Venture Philanthropy in the Arab World and Equality Now, which operates globally, and on the Advisory Councils of Fundacao Dom Cabral in Brazil and Synapse in Pakistan. Born in London and brought up in New York, Julia was educated at French Lycées and graduated from the London School of Economics. She is married, with five children and lots of grandchildren.