Grandmotherness is often associated with age or family roles. But in this final episode of the grandmotherness series, the conversation reframes it as something much broader. Grandmotherness is not dependent on having children or grandchildren. It is a way of showing up through openness, trust, care, and long-term thinking.
In this episode, Melissa Kwee, a Singapore-based social impact leader and community builder, reflects on how grandmotherness influences the way people lead, build communities, and think about the future. Together with Julia Middleton, she explores the difference between control and presence, the importance of succession, and why grandmotherness may be essential for creating lasting impact.
The Difference Between Motherness and Grandmotherness
One of the most striking reflections in the conversation is the distinction between motherness and grandmotherness. Melissa describes motherness as deeply invested in outcomes. There is responsibility, protection, and often a strong hope for a particular future. Grandmotherness, however, still carries love and support, but with less attachment to controlling the result.
She describes grandmotherness as “love with no agenda”. There is encouragement and care, but also openness to what unfolds naturally. This changes how people approach leading. Instead of tightly directing every outcome, grandmotherness allows others space to grow, experiment, and take ownership.
Letting Go Creates Continuity
A major theme in the episode is the challenge of stepping back. Melissa reflects on succession and how difficult it can be to become less central while still present within an organisation. Yet she believes real continuity happens when leadership transitions become almost a non-eventbecause others are already trusted to carry things forward. This requires letting go of control.
Grandmotherness shifts the focus away from visibility and personal importance. Instead, it asks whether systems, people, and communities can continue growing without depending entirely on one individual.
The conversation also highlights the difference between presence and control. Someone can remain deeply present without controlling every process or decision.
Thinking Beyond Your Own Timeline
Melissa shares a moment when a friend told her at 50 that it was time to “start thinking like a grandmother.”
For her, this meant thinking beyond immediate outcomes and short-term plans. Grandmotherness encourages people to think in decades rather than annual cycles.
- What are you building that may outlast you?
- What seeds are you planting now for futures you may never personally see?
- How do you lead beyond your own agenda?
This long-term thinking changes the scale of ambition. It also creates a different relationship with uncertainty, because not everything can be controlled or predicted.
Storytelling, Memory, and Grandmotherness
Storytelling also sits at the centre of grandmotherness. Julia and Melissa reflect on the importance of remembering where people, communities, and organisations have come from. Stories carry identity, struggle, values, and meaning across generations.
Importantly, these stories are not always polished or romantic. Melissa speaks openly about migration, hardship, and difficult family histories. Grandmotherness allows these stories to be held honestly rather than hidden.
Melissa also describes grandmotherness as “eagle-eyed” — the ability to notice things quietly and deeply before speaking at the right moment. That attentiveness becomes its own form of wisdom.
What Melissa Leaves Us Thinking About
1. Grandmotherness is not dependent on having children
It is a way of showing up with openness, care, and long-term thinking.
2. Love without an agenda creates space for growth
People grow differently when they are supported without being controlled.
3. Presence matters more than control
You can remain deeply engaged without directing every outcome.
4. Long-term thinking requires letting go
Real continuity happens when others are trusted to carry things forward.
5. Stories help people understand who they are
Storytelling carries memory, struggle, and values across generations.
This final episode of the grandmotherness series expands the idea of what grandmotherness can mean. It is not a biological role, but a mindset shaped by openness, trust, memory, and the ability to think beyond yourself.
To hear Melissa Kwee reflect on grandmotherness, storytelling, legacy, and long-term thinking, listen to the full conversation on the Women Emerging podcast.
