The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback – Even to Yourself
Twenty-one-year-old Aymen Taimur is a follower on Women Emerging social media, currently studying psychology at the Institute of Business Management in Karachi, Pakistan. Here she shares her perspective on leading.
The first time I was in a position of leading, I was twelve-years-old. Our school held group presentations twice a year, each tied to our house colours. I thought I knew exactly what I had to do. I had observed every mistake we made in the previous six times we presented. I wanted to be the best leader, to lead in a way no one had ever done before. Little did I know, I had achieved something, but not in the way I wanted. I made every mistake in the book when it came to leadership. My confusion led to a disordered team. Without researching, I gave blind instructions, convinced that we didn’t have time even though we did. I couldn’t apprehend why others couldn’t understand things that made sense to me. And worst of all, there wasn’t a shred of empathy inside me, since I believed that if I explained something, everyone would be on the same page. I wanted to win more than anything, proving that I was worthy of this position. But it was until later that I realised how wrong I was in ways I couldn’t even count.
Unsurprisingly, we lost. The next time we did our presentation, a friend was in the same position as I. That time, we won.
It wasn’t until recently that I wondered why I hadn’t given any thought to the approach she used or why I never questioned where I went wrong? At the time, I was so overjoyed with the news of victory that nothing else mattered. And over time my mindset remained the same: strive for perfection, no mistakes allowed, have everyone on point, win, repeat. And it stayed that way until I was satisfied. I was never satisfied – not with myself at least.
From the age of twelve till the age I am now, mistakes have felt like a gateway to incompetence. And if I wasn’t perfect? If I kept making blunders? Well, that meant that I wasn’t up to the task.
Not the healthiest mindset out there. It was only recently, I started to embrace mistakes, change and understand what leading truly is.
So, this is a message for myself and everyone who finds this.
Be empathetic. You’re not leading alone. There are – if not countless – then a few people behind you. Those people look up to you, admire you, see you as a goal they want to achieve. Think about it, and hold that thought. Because actions and mentality such as mine, won’t affect me as much as it would to those around me. The unnecessary words and actions of harshness cloaked in the form of ‘feedback,’ will bleed on others like a stubborn stain.
Be understanding. Not everyone will have an equal drive to yours. And not everyone will appreciate it. It took me years to understand that, and I still stumble into my old habits. Everyone around us wants to do good, be better versions of themselves, conceal their flaws and shine the light on the best they have to offer. It’s simply human nature. But the way we improve ourselves and aim to be better will always differ from someone else. That’s what makes us unique. One can only lead well when they understand that. Because people aren’t clay that need to be moulded into a frame, it’s the frame that needs to be adjusted according to them.
But I’ve realised that you can’t be too empathetic or understanding. You can’t go around forgiving every single person who wrongs you; because if you think about it, the word ‘empathetic’ quite literally has the word ‘pathetic’ in it. And even though empathy is a crucial trait of being a good leader, being overly forgiving can make you vulnerable to manipulation. You can’t become a fool under the delusion that you are understanding, because people will take advantage of that. That is again, human nature. At the start when I wanted to be better, I didn’t realise it at first but I became a joker, a fool; because that’s what I thought I had to be.
As someone in the position of a leader, you have a role to fulfil, a decorum to uphold and a respect to gain. And that respect is meant to be mutual for both parties, YOU and YOUR PEOPLE.
But alas, we make mistakes and no matter how much you hate it or are afraid,mistakes are the only way we learn. Someone once said that it’s not the ending we needed to focus on, but the journey that got us there.
It’s something to think about. Because I realised that the reason I was never satisfied wasn’t because I didn’t do well or because I messed up. It was because I always compared myself to others and my ideal self. I knew it was wrong, but my mind disagreed, and so I continued damaging not only myself but others around. It took me eight years to accept that leadership doesn’t always mean being right, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of asking for assistance when needed. Asking for help is never, and will never deem one unworthy or incapable. It will represent them as someone willing to learn. At the age of twelve, my friend did this. She asked for help, was empathetic, understood her team and topic and gave us a vision on what exactly we were supposed to work on. I didn’t.
At the age of twenty-one, I won’t say that this is my end goal, or that this is the peakof my journey. The adventure has just begun. I will stumble, fall, get hurt, meet people, lose people, learn about myself and let go of damaging habits to make space for healing ones.
We will learn and make mistakes, and that is the beauty about leading. Not only leading your life, but giving courage to those around you to do the same. So remember, lead for others, but most importantly lead for yourself.
Aymen Taimur is 21 years old, and was born and raised in Karachi, Pakistan where she did her O Levels with Froebel Education Centre and her A Levels with Nixor College. She is currently studying BS Psychology in the Institute of Business Management (IOBM). She loves writing, reading books and comics along with watching a few shows, movies, anime and kdramas