What do a grandmother and a family court judge have in common?
At first glance, very little. One is rooted in care and family life, the other in law, structure, and decision-making. But in practice, both are working in emotionally charged environments, navigating complex relationships, and making decisions that affect people deeply.
In this episode, Marianna, a former High Court family judge with decades of experience in family law and public service, reflects on how grandmotherness (grandmotherhood) and judging intersect in surprising ways. What emerges is a set of insights that feel less like theory and more like lived understanding of how people experience being heard, supported, and treated fairly.
1. People Can Accept an Outcome They Don’t Like, If They Feel Heard
One of the most powerful insights from Marianna’s experience is that people are often less concerned with the outcome than with the process that led to it.
In a courtroom, decisions can be life-altering, and not everyone walks away satisfied. Yet, what determines whether people can live with a decision is whether they feel they were properly listened to. The opportunity to share their side of the story, to feel acknowledged, and to believe that their voice mattered often carries more weight than the result itself.
This is equally true beyond the courtroom. When people feel ignored or dismissed, even a good decision can feel unfair. But when they feel heard, even a difficult outcome can feel acceptable.
2. Moving from “Sides” to Solving the Actual Problem
There is a natural tendency in difficult situations to take positions. This is my case, that is yours.
But both grandmotherness and judging challenge this way of thinking. Marianna reflects on the importance of shifting towards a problem-solving approach, where the focus is not on winning or losing, but on understanding what is really happening beneath the surface.
In family settings, emotions can escalate quickly, just as they do in court. The instinct may be to respond to the visible conflict, but the more important task is to pause and ask what is actually causing it. Identifying the real problem often requires working through layers of emotion, misunderstanding, and assumption.
When the focus shifts from positions to problems, the entire dynamic changes. It becomes less about opposition and more about resolution.
3. Time Is Not a Constraint, It Is Part of the Process
One of the most striking parallels Marianna draws is around time. In both roles, there is constant pressure to move quickly, to reach decisions, and to keep things progressing.
But rushing people has consequences. When individuals feel under time pressure, they become flustered, forget what they wanted to say, and struggle to express themselves clearly. Important details get lost, and emotions can escalate unnecessarily.
Grandmotherness brings a different awareness. It highlights how important it is to give people the time they need to think, respond, and engage properly. Whether it is a child explaining something or an adult navigating a difficult situation, time allows people to show up more fully.
What feels like efficiency in the moment can often come at the cost of clarity and trust.
4. Selflessness Changes the Entire Dynamic
Another profound reflection in the conversation is around selflessness.
Marianna speaks about how, as a grandmother, the focus shifts almost entirely onto the child. There is less concern about how she is perceived and more attention on what the child needs in that moment. It becomes less about self and more about the other person.
In professional contexts, however, there is often an underlying awareness of how actions will be judged. Decisions can be influenced by concerns about reputation, perception, or performance.
This subtle shift matters. When the focus includes how something reflects on you, it changes how you act. When that layer is removed, there is space for a more honest and complete focus on the other person.
Marianna reflects that had she understood this more deeply earlier, it would have changed how she showed up in her work.
5. Consistency Is What People Rely On
Across grandmotherness, judging, and working with others, consistency emerges as a quiet but essential thread.
People look for patterns. They learn how you respond, what to expect, and where they stand. When responses are inconsistent, it creates uncertainty. People become unsure of how to engage and what to rely on.
Consistency does not mean rigidity or inflexibility. It means that there is a coherence in how you respond, a sense that your actions align over time.
In both family and professional settings, this consistency is what allows people to feel secure. It creates a foundation on which trust can build.
What makes this conversation so compelling is how it brings together two seemingly different worlds to reveal something deeply human.
Whether in a courtroom or within a family, people want to feel heard, given time, treated with care, and met with consistency. These are not abstract ideas, but everyday practices that shape how people experience difficult moments. To hear Marianna reflect on these parallels between grandmotherness and judging in her own words, listen to the full conversation on the Women Emerging podcast.
