Why saying ‘no’ is a leadership skill I had to learn the hard way

I have now realized that being a people pleaser is the worst thing I can do for myself as a people pleaser. It’s my fastest route to failing. Thank you for sharing Samantha. I am learning to be realistic too!

Because I am usually also a people pleaser, and since I do not want to be perceived as “difficult”, I tend to find myself in a similar situation as you Samantha. However, thanks to that, I also find myself rethinking and critically assessing a situation before saying ‘no’. And when I do, I try to always say the ‘why’. So in a sense, saying ‘no’ pushes me to better lead. Looking at the situations I have been in, saying ‘no’ often requires more dialogue and engagement. That’s why it is the hard(er) way.

It’s funny how I have become known as ‘the friend with boundaries’, because I know how to say ‘no’ (in social settings). That teaches me that we all have to learn to say ‘no’ a little more. Not only socially, but also professionally.

Thank you Samantha for sharing this experience. I totally agree with you, saying NO is not a sign of weakness, it’s done out of strength as long as it is respectful.
For my case, I have learnt that as we advance as leaders, we become more strategic. Saying no is sometimes hard because it requires us to let go of some ideas/suggestions/opportunities but it helps us to maintain focus on our strategic priorities. Another way I have experienced it is through setting standards and boundaries which helps me to decide what I can let in or let go without straining. I think it’s very important to know that as leaders, the decisions we make do not only apply to us as individuals but they affect the direction of work,entire organisational team or even the community that we serve. If leaders focus on win-win, saying no will not hurt anyone but will bring strength for all.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Harriet Nayiga.
• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Women Emerging.

In leadership, when I say “no”, I’m not shutting down ideas — I’m creating space.

Saying “no” is not always easy. But with time, I’ve realised that it’s one of the most powerful things a leader can do.

It helps me set boundaries for myself, for the team, and for the larger vision. Not everything can or should be a yes.

It creates a pause — and in that pause, there’s room for thought, for clarity, for reflection. It’s a moment to step back and ask, “Is this aligned with where we’re headed?”

It allows others to contribute, because when one person doesn’t do it all, others naturally step forward. Teamwork becomes stronger, more intentional.

I’ve learnt this the hard way — both at work and in life. Always saying yes drained me. It blurred lines, built resentment, and slowed real progress.

Now, I view a thoughtful “no” not as a rejection, but as an act of leadership.

It’s not reactive — it’s reflective. It’s not harsh — it’s grounding.

It’s not just a decision. It’s a mindset.
And sometimes, it even feels meditative.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Manu Kashyap.

I understand that so well! When work isn’t done as it should be, I have the habit of taking a lot of twists and turns to say things, in particular by first using positive reinforcement and hoping, by means of an extremely benevolent dialogue, that the person understands that he or she needs to improve on this aspect of the job.
But with one of my team it didn’t work. I ended up giving up the idea of getting him to improve and didn’t even point out the shortcomings to keep the relationship positive.
One day he confronted me openly about a project he didn’t agree with. And that’s when I made a mistake and raised my voice in front of other colleagues, saying that I’d already explained it 10 times.
He didn’t understand my reaction so well that he lodged a formal complaint against me, which hurt me enormously and permanently.
I should have just told him straight out from the start.

Thank you so much for sharing this so honestly, I could relate to it deeply. For a long time, I too found myself in the space of always wanting to hold everyone, to be the anchor, the one who listens, helps, and says “yes” even when it came at the cost of my own well-being. As I reflected through the Women Emerging Expedition, I realised this came from what I call my motherness, an inherited essence shaped by generations of women who quietly held everything together. It felt natural, almost necessary, to step in for everyone. But over time, I noticed how this turned into overextension, exhaustion, and even quiet resentment. The turning point came when I consciously began to ask: “Do I truly want to do this, or am I doing it because I feel I should?” I learned to set boundaries gently but firmly to say NO and to trust that care for others doesn’t have to mean self-sacrifice. Saying “no” wasn’t about closing doors; it was about showing up more fully, with presence and honesty. And in doing so, I realised that true leadership isn’t about being everything to everyone, it’s about knowing what is truly ours to hold, and what we must let others carry themselves. Thank you again for voicing this, it’s something so many of us navigate quietly, and your reflection makes it feel a little less lonely.

Your honesty about learning to say ‘No’ is truly powerful and relatable. Recognizing limits and setting boundaries is a mark of strong leadership, not weakness. Thank you for sharing this important lesson that helps leaders stay focused, accountable, and respected.